Some online groups for widows have been more helpful to me than the "class" I signed up for. One week I was the only one besides the social worker who showed up. And it seems more helpful to interact with people who are dealing with the same type of grief.
I haven't even considered a grief counselor because my memories, feelings and experiences are so deep (yet sparse in latter years) for my entrepreneurial risk-taking emotional smart handsome beloved by many first born, who inherited my curiosity excitement independence intelligence need to read--and neurotransmitters. People like us live, thrive-- and die -- on seesaws.
So many layers to this, and it is indeed so personal — and so much a matter of timing. After my husband died, I tiptoed into some online grief support groups and forums. I didn't do anything to research or vet them, I just waded in. At the earliest stages, I found it helpful to know I wasn't crazy: other recent widows were doing the same weird shit I was doing (like, functioning at work all day and then turning into a wailing, snot-sniveling mess in the car on the way home). Later, I realized not everyone shared my goals, including feeling better: some folks seemed to treasure their grief like it was their new identity. As for counseling, I did avail myself of that a year in, and it helped with the more nuanced, harder-to-accept feelings that were coming up, like rage.
For me, a huge part of successful grief counseling was finding someone who shared my spiritual beliefs. It allowed me to talk openly about my faith and affirmed what I believe about the after life, which gives me peace and courage to let go of sadness and fear. The letting go is never permanent though, as I tend to be depressed in general and probably in need of PTSD Therapy that I can't afford. During counseling sessions, I talked a lot and often came up with my own solutions, such as writing a poem about my grandson, which my counselor not only affirmed and praised but added suggestions to expand the writing experience to other issues that still complicate my grief. After a few zoom meetings with a peer support group, like Kristi, when I feel strong and sort of ok, I don't want to let others' emotions bring me down to that place of sadness. I feel selfish saying that but at the same time we are all on our own journey. If it comes down to a choice, I think I prefer one on one counseling, but you might have to try a few to find a counselor you click with. I was lucky and often think I'd like to reconnect with her as I'm kind of stuck in a weird place right now.
The idea of one-on-one ‘real time’ grief counselling was absolutely NOT of any interest to me. The thought of what you described was exactly what I could not bear. Plus, it took a long time before I could think in more than flashbacks of horror! BUT: I found some awesome resources, online, in the form of recorded YouTube videos from ‘The Centre for the Grief Journey’ led by Dr. Bill Webster. He is what I call an Expert - he was widowed young and left with sons age 9&7, THEN one son died at age 42. The videos allowed me to ‘cry at my own pace’ and IN PRIVATE. Before finding Dr Bill - only because Dr was pushing me to ‘get counseling’ and I was scared I’d be cut off my short term disability, but was a total mess and unable to work - I read books. (Always my first choice!) The first book I read was ‘When Breath Becomes Air’ by Paul Kalanithi, and that opened the floodgates. It was recommended by the Dr in charge of palliative, during the dreadful week Dave was in hospital - when he recommended it, I sneered inwardly, with a ‘YA, AS IF’ while making finger-signs at the phone, truth be told. But then later I saw it recommended, somewhere, after Dave was gone, and I picked it up…it was the first of many.
Some online groups for widows have been more helpful to me than the "class" I signed up for. One week I was the only one besides the social worker who showed up. And it seems more helpful to interact with people who are dealing with the same type of grief.
I haven't even considered a grief counselor because my memories, feelings and experiences are so deep (yet sparse in latter years) for my entrepreneurial risk-taking emotional smart handsome beloved by many first born, who inherited my curiosity excitement independence intelligence need to read--and neurotransmitters. People like us live, thrive-- and die -- on seesaws.
So many layers to this, and it is indeed so personal — and so much a matter of timing. After my husband died, I tiptoed into some online grief support groups and forums. I didn't do anything to research or vet them, I just waded in. At the earliest stages, I found it helpful to know I wasn't crazy: other recent widows were doing the same weird shit I was doing (like, functioning at work all day and then turning into a wailing, snot-sniveling mess in the car on the way home). Later, I realized not everyone shared my goals, including feeling better: some folks seemed to treasure their grief like it was their new identity. As for counseling, I did avail myself of that a year in, and it helped with the more nuanced, harder-to-accept feelings that were coming up, like rage.
For me, a huge part of successful grief counseling was finding someone who shared my spiritual beliefs. It allowed me to talk openly about my faith and affirmed what I believe about the after life, which gives me peace and courage to let go of sadness and fear. The letting go is never permanent though, as I tend to be depressed in general and probably in need of PTSD Therapy that I can't afford. During counseling sessions, I talked a lot and often came up with my own solutions, such as writing a poem about my grandson, which my counselor not only affirmed and praised but added suggestions to expand the writing experience to other issues that still complicate my grief. After a few zoom meetings with a peer support group, like Kristi, when I feel strong and sort of ok, I don't want to let others' emotions bring me down to that place of sadness. I feel selfish saying that but at the same time we are all on our own journey. If it comes down to a choice, I think I prefer one on one counseling, but you might have to try a few to find a counselor you click with. I was lucky and often think I'd like to reconnect with her as I'm kind of stuck in a weird place right now.
The idea of one-on-one ‘real time’ grief counselling was absolutely NOT of any interest to me. The thought of what you described was exactly what I could not bear. Plus, it took a long time before I could think in more than flashbacks of horror! BUT: I found some awesome resources, online, in the form of recorded YouTube videos from ‘The Centre for the Grief Journey’ led by Dr. Bill Webster. He is what I call an Expert - he was widowed young and left with sons age 9&7, THEN one son died at age 42. The videos allowed me to ‘cry at my own pace’ and IN PRIVATE. Before finding Dr Bill - only because Dr was pushing me to ‘get counseling’ and I was scared I’d be cut off my short term disability, but was a total mess and unable to work - I read books. (Always my first choice!) The first book I read was ‘When Breath Becomes Air’ by Paul Kalanithi, and that opened the floodgates. It was recommended by the Dr in charge of palliative, during the dreadful week Dave was in hospital - when he recommended it, I sneered inwardly, with a ‘YA, AS IF’ while making finger-signs at the phone, truth be told. But then later I saw it recommended, somewhere, after Dave was gone, and I picked it up…it was the first of many.