Some online groups for widows have been more helpful to me than the "class" I signed up for. One week I was the only one besides the social worker who showed up. And it seems more helpful to interact with people who are dealing with the same type of grief.
You're right Donna, it does feel more helpful to be among others like ourselves. In my group the facilitators are also moms who have lost their sons. We are all on a level playing field.
I'm glad you've got a group of people who understand to surround yourself with. ❤
YES!!! Don’t talk to me about widowhood based on losing your grandma - and as a widow, I would not presume to have anything more than empathy and imagination for those who have lost a child. BUT: one of the most crippling aspects of my widowhood was the thought that I might lose my son - I was keenly aware that, bereft and utterly broken I might be, but ‘the worst’ had not yet happened. Reading the thoughts and experiences of bereaved parents helped me deal with that terrible fear: ‘the worst’ was survivable, and that survival, hard as it might be, is the ultimate tribute to our lost ones. Somehow, that, and having my own pain put into perspective as ‘this is not the worst, so suck it up, buttercup’, helped me deal.
Ooohhh this is a GREAT topic for a future post. Since losing my son I've had PLENTY of irrational fears about losing others. These are fears I've never had before in my life until now.
I haven't even considered a grief counselor because my memories, feelings and experiences are so deep (yet sparse in latter years) for my entrepreneurial risk-taking emotional smart handsome beloved by many first born, who inherited my curiosity excitement independence intelligence need to read--and neurotransmitters. People like us live, thrive-- and die -- on seesaws.
So many layers to this, and it is indeed so personal — and so much a matter of timing. After my husband died, I tiptoed into some online grief support groups and forums. I didn't do anything to research or vet them, I just waded in. At the earliest stages, I found it helpful to know I wasn't crazy: other recent widows were doing the same weird shit I was doing (like, functioning at work all day and then turning into a wailing, snot-sniveling mess in the car on the way home). Later, I realized not everyone shared my goals, including feeling better: some folks seemed to treasure their grief like it was their new identity. As for counseling, I did avail myself of that a year in, and it helped with the more nuanced, harder-to-accept feelings that were coming up, like rage.
That functioning at work part really resonated. It's weird how we can put ourselves on autopilot and just deal when we have to. But in the beginning, autopilot is just a distraction. At least that's how it felt for me. Having to stuff down my feelings didn't work well, sounds like the same for you.
I also hear you loud and clear about certain people wearing their grief like an identity. Of course we need to grieve but we can't let it stand in the way forever. We need to honor it and live at the same time.
For me, a huge part of successful grief counseling was finding someone who shared my spiritual beliefs. It allowed me to talk openly about my faith and affirmed what I believe about the after life, which gives me peace and courage to let go of sadness and fear. The letting go is never permanent though, as I tend to be depressed in general and probably in need of PTSD Therapy that I can't afford. During counseling sessions, I talked a lot and often came up with my own solutions, such as writing a poem about my grandson, which my counselor not only affirmed and praised but added suggestions to expand the writing experience to other issues that still complicate my grief. After a few zoom meetings with a peer support group, like Kristi, when I feel strong and sort of ok, I don't want to let others' emotions bring me down to that place of sadness. I feel selfish saying that but at the same time we are all on our own journey. If it comes down to a choice, I think I prefer one on one counseling, but you might have to try a few to find a counselor you click with. I was lucky and often think I'd like to reconnect with her as I'm kind of stuck in a weird place right now.
The idea of one-on-one ‘real time’ grief counselling was absolutely NOT of any interest to me. The thought of what you described was exactly what I could not bear. Plus, it took a long time before I could think in more than flashbacks of horror! BUT: I found some awesome resources, online, in the form of recorded YouTube videos from ‘The Centre for the Grief Journey’ led by Dr. Bill Webster. He is what I call an Expert - he was widowed young and left with sons age 9&7, THEN one son died at age 42. The videos allowed me to ‘cry at my own pace’ and IN PRIVATE. Before finding Dr Bill - only because Dr was pushing me to ‘get counseling’ and I was scared I’d be cut off my short term disability, but was a total mess and unable to work - I read books. (Always my first choice!) The first book I read was ‘When Breath Becomes Air’ by Paul Kalanithi, and that opened the floodgates. It was recommended by the Dr in charge of palliative, during the dreadful week Dave was in hospital - when he recommended it, I sneered inwardly, with a ‘YA, AS IF’ while making finger-signs at the phone, truth be told. But then later I saw it recommended, somewhere, after Dave was gone, and I picked it up…it was the first of many.
First of all, I just need to say I LOVE the title of the book you mentioned: When Breath Becomes Air.
It gives such a feeling of lightness, something we could probably all use. Grief is so heavy.
I'm glad you shared different methods that have worked for you.
My mom did counseling after Curtis died and from what she has shared with me, she ended up with a really great counselor and found it very helpful. But as I said, results vary wildly with different forms of support. In my group sometimes people will show up once and never come back. It's not for everyone.
Thank you for sharing your ideas Elizabeth. I'll check out that YouTube channel ❤
Some online groups for widows have been more helpful to me than the "class" I signed up for. One week I was the only one besides the social worker who showed up. And it seems more helpful to interact with people who are dealing with the same type of grief.
You're right Donna, it does feel more helpful to be among others like ourselves. In my group the facilitators are also moms who have lost their sons. We are all on a level playing field.
I'm glad you've got a group of people who understand to surround yourself with. ❤
YES!!! Don’t talk to me about widowhood based on losing your grandma - and as a widow, I would not presume to have anything more than empathy and imagination for those who have lost a child. BUT: one of the most crippling aspects of my widowhood was the thought that I might lose my son - I was keenly aware that, bereft and utterly broken I might be, but ‘the worst’ had not yet happened. Reading the thoughts and experiences of bereaved parents helped me deal with that terrible fear: ‘the worst’ was survivable, and that survival, hard as it might be, is the ultimate tribute to our lost ones. Somehow, that, and having my own pain put into perspective as ‘this is not the worst, so suck it up, buttercup’, helped me deal.
Ooohhh this is a GREAT topic for a future post. Since losing my son I've had PLENTY of irrational fears about losing others. These are fears I've never had before in my life until now.
Looking forward to that one!!!
I haven't even considered a grief counselor because my memories, feelings and experiences are so deep (yet sparse in latter years) for my entrepreneurial risk-taking emotional smart handsome beloved by many first born, who inherited my curiosity excitement independence intelligence need to read--and neurotransmitters. People like us live, thrive-- and die -- on seesaws.
So many layers to this, and it is indeed so personal — and so much a matter of timing. After my husband died, I tiptoed into some online grief support groups and forums. I didn't do anything to research or vet them, I just waded in. At the earliest stages, I found it helpful to know I wasn't crazy: other recent widows were doing the same weird shit I was doing (like, functioning at work all day and then turning into a wailing, snot-sniveling mess in the car on the way home). Later, I realized not everyone shared my goals, including feeling better: some folks seemed to treasure their grief like it was their new identity. As for counseling, I did avail myself of that a year in, and it helped with the more nuanced, harder-to-accept feelings that were coming up, like rage.
That functioning at work part really resonated. It's weird how we can put ourselves on autopilot and just deal when we have to. But in the beginning, autopilot is just a distraction. At least that's how it felt for me. Having to stuff down my feelings didn't work well, sounds like the same for you.
I also hear you loud and clear about certain people wearing their grief like an identity. Of course we need to grieve but we can't let it stand in the way forever. We need to honor it and live at the same time.
Wholeheartedly agree. Easier said than done, of course, but that's the work.
For me, a huge part of successful grief counseling was finding someone who shared my spiritual beliefs. It allowed me to talk openly about my faith and affirmed what I believe about the after life, which gives me peace and courage to let go of sadness and fear. The letting go is never permanent though, as I tend to be depressed in general and probably in need of PTSD Therapy that I can't afford. During counseling sessions, I talked a lot and often came up with my own solutions, such as writing a poem about my grandson, which my counselor not only affirmed and praised but added suggestions to expand the writing experience to other issues that still complicate my grief. After a few zoom meetings with a peer support group, like Kristi, when I feel strong and sort of ok, I don't want to let others' emotions bring me down to that place of sadness. I feel selfish saying that but at the same time we are all on our own journey. If it comes down to a choice, I think I prefer one on one counseling, but you might have to try a few to find a counselor you click with. I was lucky and often think I'd like to reconnect with her as I'm kind of stuck in a weird place right now.
Why not reach back out to your counselor if she helped and you feel like she could further help you?
The idea of one-on-one ‘real time’ grief counselling was absolutely NOT of any interest to me. The thought of what you described was exactly what I could not bear. Plus, it took a long time before I could think in more than flashbacks of horror! BUT: I found some awesome resources, online, in the form of recorded YouTube videos from ‘The Centre for the Grief Journey’ led by Dr. Bill Webster. He is what I call an Expert - he was widowed young and left with sons age 9&7, THEN one son died at age 42. The videos allowed me to ‘cry at my own pace’ and IN PRIVATE. Before finding Dr Bill - only because Dr was pushing me to ‘get counseling’ and I was scared I’d be cut off my short term disability, but was a total mess and unable to work - I read books. (Always my first choice!) The first book I read was ‘When Breath Becomes Air’ by Paul Kalanithi, and that opened the floodgates. It was recommended by the Dr in charge of palliative, during the dreadful week Dave was in hospital - when he recommended it, I sneered inwardly, with a ‘YA, AS IF’ while making finger-signs at the phone, truth be told. But then later I saw it recommended, somewhere, after Dave was gone, and I picked it up…it was the first of many.
First of all, I just need to say I LOVE the title of the book you mentioned: When Breath Becomes Air.
It gives such a feeling of lightness, something we could probably all use. Grief is so heavy.
I'm glad you shared different methods that have worked for you.
My mom did counseling after Curtis died and from what she has shared with me, she ended up with a really great counselor and found it very helpful. But as I said, results vary wildly with different forms of support. In my group sometimes people will show up once and never come back. It's not for everyone.
Thank you for sharing your ideas Elizabeth. I'll check out that YouTube channel ❤
Nelle I'm so glad you were able to find someone who could help pull you out of a dark place. Grief is so complex. It changes our very foundation.
Bravo for being open and finding some solace.
Yes everyone keeps on living as if the world wasn’t just turned upside down. Crazy how much one person’s life can mean to another yet not to everyone.
I couldn't agree more.