Don't Expect Miracles From Grief Counseling

Sometimes the doctor is fresh out of magic pills.

Image courtesy of Pixabay

I’m really hoping to spark some conversation on this topic because individual thoughts may be diverse and as they say, results may vary.

Even my own thoughts about it change by the hour some days.

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To start, let’s make a distinction between grief counseling and grief support. The two are very different.

Counseling is done by a professional.

Support is more like a group setting with peers.

I assume both can be helpful depending on the individual, their state of mind, and when they seek it out. And I do think everyone experiencing loss should consider one or the other, or both.

Grief Counseling

I tried it in the very beginning stages of my loss and hated it.

It was different from other types of counseling I’ve received in the past, in that they couldn’t offer me any constructive advice on how to work through my sadness.

The counselor just sat on the other end of the phone listening to me blubber and pretty much agreed with everything I said. There was a lot of “Mmm-hmm-ing” going on.

Maybe it was too soon. Maybe I got the wrong counselor. Or maybe I was expecting her to offer a magic pill that would put my broken parts back together.

Instead, all I did was bawl so hard that I couldn’t articulate sentences, and put her on hold a hundred times to blow my nose.

I can accomplish those tasks all on my own in private. A stranger who couldn’t relate had no place in my life back then.

It has now been a year and a half since my son died and I have yet to be properly counseled. If I ever seek therapy related to his death again, it won’t be for grief. It will likely be for anger toward people who are still alive. The fallout he left behind.

Is counseling for everyone?

Not unless the therapist is a good one. I think grief in particular can be intimidating to some.

In my real-world experience there’s no better way to shut down a conversation than to bring up acute, personal feelings about death.

Counselors are human too. We can’t expect them to relate to us, we can only (hopefully) expect emotional progress. If we don’t, then counseling may not be the right route.

Support Groups

A few months into my journey I discovered a local peer support group and joined immediately.

It felt special and relevant because all our members have lost loved ones to the same ugly beast, and the majority are mothers. It felt like I’d found my people.

For nearly a year now, I have continued to blubber in front of strangers but it's different with peers. Unlike the counselor, these strangers know precisely how it feels to lose a child in the exact same manner I lost mine.

There’s a special kinship in a group like ours and so, I stick with them.

But is support for everyone?

In my case, not all the time.

I often have good days. Good weeks even. And if there’s one thing that can bring me to my knees, it’s our group meetings.

I’m not a fan of crying if I can avoid it. It’s physically and emotionally draining and often takes me back to square one.

So, at the risk of sounding selfish, occasionally I don’t show up for meetings because I’m doing well and don’t feel like breaking the spell.

Grief support meetings aren’t all AA-ish. You’re not going to slide off the rails if you skip a week or two. You’re just allowing yourself the time and space to revel in your good days, which you should absolutely celebrate.

In either case…

I think both are worth seeking out even if just to see which is a better fit for you.

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What have your experiences been with either grief counseling or group support? Feel free to weigh in in the comments.