How Long Can We Use Grief as a Crutch?
Breakdowns can eventually lead to breakthroughs
At some point, grief is going to present itself as the only barrier between you and something you want. When it does, you have a decision to make.
It’s been a long time since I’ve genuinely cared about that thing we call “work.”
Take a global pandemic, stir in job loss, plop the death of a loved one into the bowl. Then, generously season it with outright indifference and you have the perfect recipe for not caring if you ever work again.
I admit there have been times in the past year and a half that I’ve grown tired and frustrated with being sad all the time. But I hadn’t come across any magic sauce strong enough to pull me out of my perpetual funk.
Until recently, when the manager at my new job sat me down for an impromptu 60-day review.
She didn’t say my performance sucked but she did imply that my indifference was slightly noticeable.
Then she popped a surprise quiz on me and I completely froze.
I couldn’t answer any of her questions and it shook me deeply because at that moment I realized I genuinely love this job and it could be in jeopardy.
The next day I went to my mom’s house and cried in her driveway, feeling completely overwhelmed by the possibility of losing my job.
I have ALWAYS been a confident person, especially with work, but this grief thing seems to have stripped away my poise, layer by layer.
The next time I went into work my manager pulled me aside and said, “You’ve been through a lot lately, I completely understand.”
I replied, “But I can’t use grief as a crutch forever.”
My spontaneous response took me by surprise because it felt like I had just kicked my own butt back to reality without even trying.
I can grieve until the second coming of Christ if I want to but I can’t let it stand in the way of living a productive life in the here and now.
It took me a year and a half to recognize it but the important part is that I finally did.
It was a breakthrough moment and it felt good.
Having said all that, I do think we need to be very patient while waiting for breakthrough moments. I’ve learned by trial that we can’t force them.
Months before securing my current job I had accepted a different offer. Within the first two weeks, I experienced several meltdowns and ultimately walked away from it.
Clearly I wasn’t ready.
What are your thoughts? Can you recall a specific breakdown in your grief journey that eventually led to a distinct breakthrough moment?
There were several. One was when I was driving home from work (the small lumber business I'd had to take over when my husband died) and a man stepped out from between two park cars and nearly walked right into mine as I drove. I stomped on the brakes — he was fine — but I had to pull over to spend some time wailing and screaming. Somewhere in the midst of my freakout came the certain knowledge that I: 1. deserved more of a break than I (or life at the time) was giving me and 2. I needed to heal the wound and move on. Because clearly, this wouldn't do.